Thank God for Good Times!!

God works in such a beautifully wonderful way.

Just when i thought i thought i do not have a friend in the world, God showed me just how many out there still cares for me...

Just as i thought i am an ugly and fat girl that nobody wants, God showed me just how desirable i am to some guys out there.

But why do u bring me back the old guys and not new ones?? haha... Well, not that i am complaining... It's good to know that i am still desirable and that they still want me back. And that gives me hope of finding my loved one. Someone who loves me for me, someone who will be proud to show me off to the world. Hee... These are the exact words that someone showed me when i was just wondering what's love all about. How i was confusing love and lust, and how i should recognise a man for who he can be and not just what he is. I am still waiting for God to show me who my destined one is.

What a beautiful day it is. And my god brother is giving me a treat tonight. To thank me for helping him. Heh... Wonder what we're going to have?? Yum yum!!! Stomache's growling already.... Oops!! ; )

Another Week Gone...

It's been another week... Time to reflect on WHAT HAVE I DONE?? Basically, nothing much.

This weekend was spent realising a few things. But most importantly, i realise that my dad is truly getting old and that we (my siblings and i) have not been treating him very well.

There was one sentence that my father said this weekend that i will never, ever forget.

On our way to the cemetary on late friday morning (it's Qing Ming), whilst in the car, my mum asked my dad if he took some pain-killer for his headache before leaving the house. He said no. My mother asked him why not since he complained of having a bad headache early that morning. He replied,

"Seeing my kids all at home just now made my headache go away."

Such a simple sentence that speaks of the desire and rarity that all three of us are at home at the same time while he is awake and at home. It was spoken with underlying sadness and forlorn that made my heart ache. Such a loving dad, yet only God knows how many times have we broke his tender heart...

One of the reason is because my brother has been shocking him by doing things that my parents would not have expected. Actually, these things are nothing much... it's not shocking things like stealing but my brother has changed his image from head to toe. He went to rebond his hair, bought contact lens, bought himself a bike and got himself a new pair of slippers. Nothing shocking really. What really shocked my parents is the amount that he spent and the fact that all these things without my parent's prior knowledge. In my family, my parents are strict, by normal standards (and just normal, strictly speaking! hee... ) and they like to control everything that goes through under their noses (which explains why i am a control freak myself... =P ) and my brother's behaviour has shocked them. Personally, if it were me, i would have planted the idea in their head first so as to give them some time to prepare themselves mentally. I understand why my brother didn't. You see, my siblings and i have gone through times where our family quarrelled almost every other day (mostly during the rebellious days of yours truly...) and we have agreed amongst ourselves that it wasn't really necessary (of cos, it wasn't! I just had to be a "good" girl to prevent all that... oh, my bro included, of cos! It wasn't ALL my fault... ) Hence, as a silent agreement between the three of us, family harmony is IMPORTANT and ALL quarrels are to be avoided at all costs.

Apparently, my brother did some slight changes to that agreement. he changed the rules to "All quarrels are to be avoided at certain costs." and of cos, these "costs" do not include his rights to buy things for himself without our parent's consent. Well, my dad has accepted everything, of cos, being the best dad in the world, but it has broke his heart. Plus, the realisation that his kids have all grown up and no longer needing him. (besides monetarily, of cos) Which makes him feel even worse. Although that is not entirely true because we do love him (the only true part is we do need him monetarily but we really do love him as well! )

Even my sister is going out more and more often and seldom stays at home during weekdays. It is so unlike those days that she will go home straight after school and cook dinner for the family every night. Now in JC, my sis has a new bunch of friends and nw activities and hardly comes back home to cook; cometimes she even comes back later than my parents (which is a first for them!)

As for me, i'm staying in hostel everyday, going home only during the weekends. And out of two days, i spend one whole day travelling to the ends of Singapore to give tuition, which leaves only one day to stay at home and accompany my folks. Well, having said so much, the idea is that my dad is feeling lonely and old and tired and useless. I know all these, cos i have seen it reflected in his eyes several times. How i could have missed it until now eludes me. But now that i know all these, i feel sooooo darn guilty. Because you see, it is also partially my fault. If i could have graduated this semester intead of next year, i could have came out to work earlier and take up the responsibility of being the breadwinner of the house. So that my dad can quit his job and take on a less demanding job. But i didn't. I couldn't. =(

Please, can someone tell me what can i do to lessen his pain and make him smile again? Although he doesn't say it, i know that he is really tired, both in body and in mind, and my mother has affirmed that several times. All that i can do now is to try my best to study doubly, triply hard to ensure that i can pass next year and get a job soon after that. In the meantime, i will have to control my money tightly and save more money to help the family in the near future. Am already looking for job to work during the three month's break coming soon.

*sigh* The more time i spend here reminds me that the clock is still ticking and time isn't gonna wait for me to finish writing my blog and start studying. Guess life ain't going back to the excitement that i have been looking forward to for the next couple of years... Am i being too pessimistic? Guess i am just practical.

Gotta get back to study now. (Can't time just slow down a bit sometimes?? )

Paradox of Modern Times...

There is this interesting literature that was posted on one of the forums that i go to recently. Thought it is interesting enough to share in this blog. It speaks the truth about modern times... how people achieved so much but neglected more. I can't help but wonder, what really is the meaning of life??

The Paradox of Life

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings, but shorter tempers; wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy less.

We have bigger houses and smaller families; more conveniences, but less time; we have more degrees, but less sense; more knowledge, but less judgment; more experts, but more problems; more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry too quickly, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too seldom, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life; we've added years to life, not life to years.

We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbor. We've conquered outer space, but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things. We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've split the atom, but not our prejudice.

We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information to produce more copies than ever, but have less communication.

These are the times of fast food and slow digestion; tall men and short character; steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the times of world peace, but domestic warfare; more leisure, but less fun; more kinds of foods, but less nutrition.

These are the days of two incomes, but more divorce; of fancier houses, but broken homes. These are the days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throw-away morality, one-night stands, over weight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer to quiet, to kill.

It is a time when there is much in the show window and nothing in the stockroom; a time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time where you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete.

by George Carlin

A Student's Life...

Just realised that a student's life is sooooooo boring. I wonder where has all my previous laughter and happy moments gone to. Where are all my KTV kahkis? Where are all my joking pals?? Where are all my hanging out friends??

As life progresses, these friends have moved on to their seperate lives: My secondary school friends have all graduated from poly and have been working for the past year or so; my jc close gal friends are either in the OTHER uni, or they have gone to the social uni. My school mates are mostly in their final year and are preparing for the most crucial battle of their lives. And there seem to be no prospective bf waiting for me anywhere in the near future. Everybody is so busy with their lives... WHAT AM I DOING WITH MINE??

Although its true that i have identified that my short term goal academically, i have not been able to form any goal with respect to the other aspects of my life. I always believe that life should be a balance of everything, but now i am only progressing steadily in one area of my life... The rest are STAGNANT!!! I can't believe it!!!! My social life is not exciting, my love life is non-existent and my family life is too peaceful. haha... at least that one is a good thing. But excitement is seriously lacking in my dormant life now. No wonder i feel so sleepy everyday... haiz...

SO now what? what kind of excitement can i get?? so far the only "excitement" i got are all from my family. I went for a birthday gathering last tuesday and all i did was to eat... then i have another cousin's birthday party coming this good friday and all i'm gonna do is to eat again. How exciting is that?!?!?! *sigh*

Another apprehension i have is with regards to my next academic year... Even though the friends that i have now are not exactly my best friends, but at least they are still friends who can talk, study and eat with me... Their company is usually fun and interesting. Except that now they are all studying for their final papers and after that they graduate. And that signifies the end to our fun-filled school days. Whether we will still keep in contact after they leave sch is still an uncertainty (i did mention that we ain't the best of friends, didn't i?) So how?? what am i going to do next semester when they all leave????????

Well, guess i gotta leave that problem at the back of my mind until it stares right at my face. As the chinese saying goes, "the bridge will be straight once the boat reaches it." So, why bother? haha... (running away, i hear you say? well, if you say so... haha)

WEll, time is up for me to go for my next lesson... Till the next time i come up to update on the more "exciting" parts of my life, i pray that life can at least maintain the peacefulness it has now... : )

~Ciao~

It's Such a Beautiful Day!!!

Yeahie!!! I passed my quiz!!!! This is the second quiz that i passed already (out of three, in case you were guessing) !!!!!! Good time for a pat on the back!!! *pat pat*

It seems to be a good start to a great end (i hope!) in terms where studies are concerned... But my social life seem to be taking a turn for the worse... "How do i lose my friends?" I will always remember this question from a friend of mine. Somehow it reflects the reality that i am running away from:

Friends need to be caught hold of, or you'll lose sight of them.

Is it just me again? or is it that i am truly losing my friends? i used to tell myself that it won't bother me, since friends come and go all the time... but it has bothered me quite a bit recently. Cos you see, i am a very social person. I NEED FRIENDS!!! On an afterthought, who doesn't? Friends are such an important root (not chapter) of our life!!!! No matter what age, which race or whatever phase of life a person is in, we need friends!

So, back to the point. Am i losing my friends? or am i just thinking rot? Cos the circle of "friends" i have in school now is so weird. I seem to gravitate around a few ppl but not once anchoring with one. I keep gravitating back to the girl i dislike and drift away from the friend that i wanna keep. My close girl friends are literally far away from me and the one (living) closest to me is busy with her work. Not that i am complaining, just that it feels lonely sometimes. Even with boyfriends, it's the same. I keep gravitating back to the one that i should have freed myself from, yet i keep losing the guy that i wanna get close to. Talking about life being a paradox!!!! *sigh*

Well, guess no one can get the best of both worlds. If i am doing well academically, my social life will continue to suffer. Seems like its not a bad tradeoff if i can do well at the end of my exams. But i still need to know if i am losing my friends. If any of my friend see this and thinks that i am thinking rot, please let me know so that i know that i still have friends around. Thank you sooo very much.

Well, guess its time to go back to my work. Been out for a while... heh... To do well academically, one can only devote enough time to write this blog for pleasure. The rest of the time must be devoted to studies. See what i mean when i say my social life is deteriorating? Guess you got the idea. Well, next time then!! : )

A Student's Prayer...

A sweet friend did this for me just now... I thank her for her faith in God and her thoughtfulness towards me. : )

~ My Prayer ~

Pray that God will grant me the wisdom and knowledge to be able to handle all the questions that will come out for my quiz...

Father in Heaven, I also pray that you grant me the memory capacity and go before me to my examination/quiz hall so as to prepare my place.

Let me not have the fear but have faith when i attempt all my quiz questions

Pray that you will protect me from the Satan's attack when i am staying up late at night to study for my quiz

Lead me to the correct answers for my upcoming quiz...

Pray that you will guide me in my studies as well.

Let me know what to study and what not to study as i have piles and piles of reading to do.

TOday i surrender my apprehension into your Father Loving Hand.

All this i pray in the Mighty Jesus's name.

Amen.

For her kindness, i have decided to rewrite the prayer in my name so as to thank her for this prayer for me. : )

I really hope that i can do well for this quiz and all my exams. This particular subject is a headache as there are just too many things i need to memorize and for the life of me, i can't memorize things. I really need all the help i can and this sweet girl did this for me. I am really touched. For this, i thank her and for her, i thank GOD.

Why did You Do That to Me, My Friend??

How Ironic! Look at me, i was just talking about friendship the other day and here i am, losing another friend. He asked me before, "hey! How do you lose a friend anyway? Play hide-and-seek?" and here he is, just being polite and not more than strangers. How did that actually happen? Talking about "how to lose a guy in ten days." Blah...

This is not the first time this happens... it happens EVERYTIME. What is wrong with me? Why can't i hold on to friends? Well, that's not exactly true, is it? Maybe I should ask myself: Why is it so hard for me to chat and tell my problems and how i think to my existing friends? Because we ain't close? Because I am scared. I am scared of losing the friends i already have. I am afraid of what others think. So i thought by talking to strangers on the net about the problems first because they won't judge me first and listen later. They have to listen first and judge later because they have NO CHOICE. I thought by doing this, they will understand. I thought because they are strangers to begin with, i won't feel as sad if they judged me. I thought WRONG.

It hurts everytime. Every DAMN time. CAn someone tell me what is so wrong? We were chatting happily and you have understood. But what happens after that? Why the judgement later? Won't you just be honest about why you don't wanna chat anymore? THere has been no reasons, just apologies.

Is this what they call retributions? Is it because i have passed a judgement on others? Even though i believe in fate and not in Christ; even though i am a free thinker and not usually superstitious, sometimes i can't help but wonder. Is there really retribution? Am i being treated for the way i treat some unknown others? But although i judge, i don't make friends with them in order to reject them? I make my decisions first. Once i decide to be friends, we ARE friends. And i decide that i can't chat with this guy in the long term, i won't EVEN START. This is to be fair to them. And you thought by giving the other person a chance to chat and rejecting them later was being fair, think again. You are just hurting them more by making them think its gonna last when it really won't.

Just like Qin. He thought to be fair to me and tried to make things work. But he also rejected me in the end. I feel used. But he looks more apologetic and i had to end up consoling him instead. Yes, it is partially my fault for agreeing to it but i left him to make the decision. SOme things can never ever be tried.

Another guy told me, "Why don't you try? Ask yourself, what would you have done if you weren't afraid?". If i weren't afraid, i would have tried everything. But the reason fear exist is because SOME THINGS ARE NOT MEANT TO BE TRIED.

"Listen to my heart, looking for a dream..."

I am still looking for the dream but i really should learn to listen to my heart more. Are you listening? Can you hear what i am trying to say??

In Between the Lessons...

It is the time between lessons... My timetable is one that is catered for Final Year Students, except that i am not. haha... Most people would think that this is good, cos i will have more time to study my stuff. But i'm sure you know how it is... The more time u have in ur hands, the increase in probability that you will misuse the time. Like now. (on que)

Well, it is not something i am proud of. Normally, i would have found a lot fo excuses for my behaviour. But its funny how people choose to grow up. I chose to stop finding excuses for myself and learn to face the faults.

THIS IS PROCRASINATION.

There you go. I have faced it. (no doubt i will be explaining and finding excuses the next moment abt my procrasination and profusely trying to deny it, but i am still proud of this moment.)

Well, having said that i will, i really should go, shouldn't i? This is actually a stolen moment just to write some crap here. :p

Time to Study

People don't really change much, do they. :)

Friendship is won...

"Friendship is not won by the giving of things, but by the giving of the Heart..."

I have a little postcard on my table with a cute little cat holding this heart in its mouth and these very words printed on it. These words brings back fond memories and sad ones too. It makes me reflect on how life is so complicated and how life can never go the way you want it to be. All you can do is just to live the way you want to live and live with no regrets.

But is it really possible to live with no regrets? No, i don't think so. i already have some regrets but i keep telling myself that it isn't, so i can live up to those very words. Is this wat everyone is doing as well?? Are we all keeping our regrets, buried deep inside one corner of the mind and never to be taken out and read?

I always advocate that u should try the things that u really wanna try, so that u live with no regrets. "u never try, u'll never know." but trying might turn out to be one of the greatest mistake u ever took. This is the time to reflect: should i have tried it? was trying it worth never to find out?

I have tried not telling the one i liked that i liked him, and i have tried telling the one that i liked that i like him; i have tried giving advices to my friends, and i have refrained from giving opinions as well; i have been trying to live with no regrets and ending up with more regrets in the end. What is worth it and what is not??

I am always filled with questions... this is only one of them. When i post these questions to my parents, they tell me that i think too much; when i tell my friends these doubts, they tell me i think too much. Am i honestly just thinking too much? If i had the answers to these questions, will i still be thinking about them?

They always say, "Seek and you shall find". I have sought for the answers to my questions yet no one wants to answer them. Don't anyone wants the answers to life?

Oh ok, some tells me jesus will. (I am a free-thinker, btw) I have a lot of christian friends who tells me that Jesus provides all the answers. Is this true? I am afraid to ask. It seems that they have it. But they dun share with non-christians. why must i be a christian to know? The more they ask me to seek Christ, the more afraid i become. I do not know why do i have this irrational fear (i think its irrational cos there is no reason) but it exists. and the more they ask me to seek god, the more afraid i become. yet, i wish to know. ISn't there any other way that i can seek these answers?

you see, i am a very confused person. People always tell me that i have a problem conveying my thoughts. Why? probs becos i go by the flow of words, the rush of thoughts that just come pouring out of my mind. (now my hands) where do these words come from? honestly, it happens just as i write it so i never know where it comes from. It seems to be an instantaneous thingy... It has no form, no smell, no nothing. the moment the words come i start to type. When it stops, i stop. Simple. I used to have a few stories that i wrote as essays in sch... when i reflect on it, i am pretty amazed becos of the story unfolds in a streamlined manner. But i have never stopped to think and ask if i want my male lead to die or live or cry or smile. It seems as if the story unfolds itself in my mind even as i type. See? i digress again.

At the end of this blog, u will notice that u know a lot abt this girl but u just dunno wat is it that u know abt me. Either that or u think that this girl is just plain pathetic cos u dun understand wat the hell i am talking abt. There seems to be a main point in this story but it suddenly seems to digress so far away that u can't catch up with me... haha...

if you honestly think that u can analyze my thinking, please let me know. I am just a very confused person and i hope someone can enlighten me on who i really am. Thank you. : )