Why did You Do That to Me, My Friend??

How Ironic! Look at me, i was just talking about friendship the other day and here i am, losing another friend. He asked me before, "hey! How do you lose a friend anyway? Play hide-and-seek?" and here he is, just being polite and not more than strangers. How did that actually happen? Talking about "how to lose a guy in ten days." Blah...

This is not the first time this happens... it happens EVERYTIME. What is wrong with me? Why can't i hold on to friends? Well, that's not exactly true, is it? Maybe I should ask myself: Why is it so hard for me to chat and tell my problems and how i think to my existing friends? Because we ain't close? Because I am scared. I am scared of losing the friends i already have. I am afraid of what others think. So i thought by talking to strangers on the net about the problems first because they won't judge me first and listen later. They have to listen first and judge later because they have NO CHOICE. I thought by doing this, they will understand. I thought because they are strangers to begin with, i won't feel as sad if they judged me. I thought WRONG.

It hurts everytime. Every DAMN time. CAn someone tell me what is so wrong? We were chatting happily and you have understood. But what happens after that? Why the judgement later? Won't you just be honest about why you don't wanna chat anymore? THere has been no reasons, just apologies.

Is this what they call retributions? Is it because i have passed a judgement on others? Even though i believe in fate and not in Christ; even though i am a free thinker and not usually superstitious, sometimes i can't help but wonder. Is there really retribution? Am i being treated for the way i treat some unknown others? But although i judge, i don't make friends with them in order to reject them? I make my decisions first. Once i decide to be friends, we ARE friends. And i decide that i can't chat with this guy in the long term, i won't EVEN START. This is to be fair to them. And you thought by giving the other person a chance to chat and rejecting them later was being fair, think again. You are just hurting them more by making them think its gonna last when it really won't.

Just like Qin. He thought to be fair to me and tried to make things work. But he also rejected me in the end. I feel used. But he looks more apologetic and i had to end up consoling him instead. Yes, it is partially my fault for agreeing to it but i left him to make the decision. SOme things can never ever be tried.

Another guy told me, "Why don't you try? Ask yourself, what would you have done if you weren't afraid?". If i weren't afraid, i would have tried everything. But the reason fear exist is because SOME THINGS ARE NOT MEANT TO BE TRIED.

"Listen to my heart, looking for a dream..."

I am still looking for the dream but i really should learn to listen to my heart more. Are you listening? Can you hear what i am trying to say??