Back to where I was... Again

There are just so many things to do and be done with... But I just can't do it.

They keep asking what has been keeping me awake, and I always said I don't know.

Self-denial. I knew. It was me.

I knew I had to get my emotions in check. I always had. I always do. But the in-between periods, where I allowed my emotions free-rein, are getting longer, and harder to rein in. Am I going back to the times of self-withdrawal? The thought has merits.

Away from people. Away from me. Away from my own thoughts that's just scaring me.

Away from the choas. Away from the hurt. Away from denial. Away from the world.

Away. From Me.

What else can I get away from?

At this moment, I can faintly hear someone saying... Get over it, woman!! Come to your senses!!

I hear another one saying... You need another love to get over the last one. This one might be Ron.

I hear Carl saying... Baby, you know what's best for you.

Carl. He was always encouraging, always supportive. Always saying, Baby, I wish I could be there with you, right now. But he never was.

I need a direction. I need comfort. What happened to the girl I knew?

"Look at me
You may think you see who I really am
But you'll never know me
Every day, it's as if I play a part...

Now I see.. If I wear a mask, I can fool the world
But I can not fool my heart...

Who is that girl I see? Staring straight back at me?
When will my reflection show who I am inside?"

Who am I really? Everyday, I learn more about myself and the world around me... and everyday I would wonder... Why? Don't anybody knows or want to know why?

There are just so many Whys in my life that I need to know... but I have stopped searching. Just like me.

The DRIVER. The one who always strives for knowledge and control. The one that will fight on and on, until the reason for the fight was forgotten... and then, given up. There has never been an end. The intial intentions were good... then the fight got better and better... and then suddenly, perspectives changed; values changed; and there was seem no reason to fight anymore. Then the realisation sets in: Why were we so obstinate before? Why was I so fixated on that before? Why is this no longer important or why has my priorities now changed?

DRIVERS have a great need for control, and a great adaptibility. So when the environment changes, the DRIVERS adapt and the controls shifts, the DRIVER gets lost and confused. What's next?

"I am now in a world where I have to hide my heart... And what I believe in.
But somehow, I will show the world what's inside my heart..
And be loved for who I am..."

Who am I? Moments of clarity are far and few between; Sleep is even less. Loved for who I am? Perhaps knowing what I wanted and wanting to get what I want is what's hindering me. I knew who I wanted and he didn't want me. When I thought I didn't want it, it just comes and my romantic idealism doesn't allow me to reject me, or gives me time to ponder if I was ready.

When I felt ready, I wasn't. When I wasn't, it came. When it came, I accepted. When I accepted, it went. When it went, I was desolate. When I was desolated, I withdrew. When I withdrew, I hated myself. When I hated myself enough, I stood back up. When I stood, I felt renewed. When I felt renewed, I felt ready. Then rejected came. So I concluded... When I felt ready, I wasn't.

A whole cycle. Where was the weakest link? Where can I break free? When?

"Who is that girl I see? Staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection someone I don't know?
Must I pretend that i'm someone else for all time?
When will my reflection show who I am inside?

There's a heart that must be free to fly...
That burns with a need to know the reason why!!!!

Why must we all conceal what we think... how we feel
Must there be a secret me I'm forced to hide?
I won't pretend that i'm someone else for all time
When will my reflections show who I am inside?"

It takes Two to Tango!!

Just came across this on the facebook of a friend's friend and thought I would like to spread his thoughts...

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It takes 2 to Tango!

by Andy Tay (notes) Friday, October 3, 2008 at 2:31am

Recently, I've taken up Tango, for numerous reasons. To learn something to exercise my "creativity" in a form of art, increase my social skills, confidence and posture etc etc...and no, I wasn't interested in Salsa because the whole world seems to be doing it. Yes, I'm abit of a mis-matcher when it comes to such stuff...My conversations with the teachers and practice have been pretty illuminating, right from day one...and I just thought of sharing some of the lessons learned so far that I feel apply very much to general relationships in life, whether personal or business. The notes below are more from the Man's point of view as we do the leading generally in the dance.

1) In Tango, the man normally leads, the lady follows. For any relationship, whether business or personal, someone must lead and someone must follow. However, unlike Tango where its always the man, it can be interchanged in relationships, perhaps at various frequencies and intensities. Nonetheless, there can't be always 2 Indian chiefs all the time!

2) The leader must always give advance notice, from the subtle changes in posture etc. This is to prepare the partner so that they can be in sync and execute the move smoothly. Ensure that the other party already knows the movement or direction and has already moved their legs/body into position, before finally executing the final move. This will ensure fluidity and smoothness while showing care and consideration for the partner. In relationships, nobody likes sudden changes without notice. Always give advance notice and prepare the other party. Have open communication and be sensitive to each other's subtle communication too.

3) Focus on the other person and think how the partner would like to be treated. By putting ourselves in our partner's shoes, we can always think 1 step ahead and give our partner the best dancing experience. In relationship, if both parties can constantly think this way, wouldn't it just be a lovely partnership? By focusing on the other party, we are in a Giving mode, and simultaneously open to receive more too.

4) Build the foundations strongly first. In Tango, "walking" is the key. We've spent the first 4 hours really practicing and honing this before moving to more advanced stages. Same thing in a relationship, if the foundation of really knowing and trusting each other is not there, even if the relationship moved to the next level, it would not be something very sturdy and long lasting. Therefore, get the fundamentals right (or the base of the pyramid firm) and everything else on top will be sturdier!

5) Tango is a dance which demands alot of feeling and being present. It is not about memorizing dance steps and showing off movements. We need to be fully in the present and dance with the heart. It is the process that matters more, not just the end result. In relationships, for the relationship to flourish, both parties should put in the 100% and BE in the present, sensing, feeling and being observant and putting their heart into it. If we can do this, the relationship will be beautiful.

6) Tango is not you vs me, ego vs ego. It is a dance of synchronicity and partnership, where both parties must put in equal effort for the dance to flourish. For relationships, many a times, one party expects more than the other and does not put in as much as the other. Consider that if both parties put in their best effort, only the best can happen. Remember the saying: It takes 2 to Tango!

7) Keep your partner on their toes and be creative! Repeating the dance steps over and over again will only make you predictable and boring. In relationships, be unique and different, don't fall into a boring routine too quickly. Little surprises are always nice. It does not have to be expensive, but be creative and express yourself and just watch the magic unveil itself...

8) Don't let praises get to your head. I was guilty of this tonight. As i was getting to the swing of things, my partner said: "wah..someone getting more confident already" and I lost it straight after. It went to my head and ego, and I lost concentration. In relationships, one must never get over-confident or arrogant. It might be a slippery slope thereafter. Always be conscious, always strive to do your best and be better.


Ok, thats my learnings so far and co-relation to relationships. Hope it has been useful for you. Well, its definitely interesting for me to document this and practice my writing! Now to implement the lessons and hone it to the next level, both the dancing and the relationships! Thank you for reading!

Some wounds never heals....

Was talking to Andrea earlier... and she just made me realise...

SOME WOUNDS NEVER HEALS

You may wish to forget... or you may choose to believe you've forgotten. Those that you truly succeed to forget may be a lesson learnt, or a memory erased. But those that linger, or takes such a long time to heal, may never heal at all. All those memories that hurt you, may seem so far away... but when faced with any hint of a similar circumstance or environment, still comes back to hurt you.

How do I truly forget the past?

Or do you not forget it?? I have so many insecurities... so many hurts, betrayals and bad memories that surfaces everytime i get close to anyone.

I can't get close to my gfs for fear of betrayal

I can't get involved in a relationship for fear of being hurt... again

I can't stand my gfs getting to know the guy i like for fear of them snatching him away from me

I can't trust anyone, except myself.

But sometimes, I can't even trust myself.

I try to be strong... Confident. But i am really just a bundle of nerves. I get emotional very easily, and logic never ever saves me in any nick of time. I get suspicious of my own gfs when I get too close. If I found things about my friends that I don't like, I try to forget and just accept who they are as who they are. But the crack remains. The crack, if left unmended, usually lengthens and the mirror of friendship becomes brittle. And the brittle mirrors usually shatters at the smallest touch.

All of them had begin and ended like the one before them.

When will this cycle ever end?

Who I am Waiting For....