Back to where I was... Again

There are just so many things to do and be done with... But I just can't do it.

They keep asking what has been keeping me awake, and I always said I don't know.

Self-denial. I knew. It was me.

I knew I had to get my emotions in check. I always had. I always do. But the in-between periods, where I allowed my emotions free-rein, are getting longer, and harder to rein in. Am I going back to the times of self-withdrawal? The thought has merits.

Away from people. Away from me. Away from my own thoughts that's just scaring me.

Away from the choas. Away from the hurt. Away from denial. Away from the world.

Away. From Me.

What else can I get away from?

At this moment, I can faintly hear someone saying... Get over it, woman!! Come to your senses!!

I hear another one saying... You need another love to get over the last one. This one might be Ron.

I hear Carl saying... Baby, you know what's best for you.

Carl. He was always encouraging, always supportive. Always saying, Baby, I wish I could be there with you, right now. But he never was.

I need a direction. I need comfort. What happened to the girl I knew?

"Look at me
You may think you see who I really am
But you'll never know me
Every day, it's as if I play a part...

Now I see.. If I wear a mask, I can fool the world
But I can not fool my heart...

Who is that girl I see? Staring straight back at me?
When will my reflection show who I am inside?"

Who am I really? Everyday, I learn more about myself and the world around me... and everyday I would wonder... Why? Don't anybody knows or want to know why?

There are just so many Whys in my life that I need to know... but I have stopped searching. Just like me.

The DRIVER. The one who always strives for knowledge and control. The one that will fight on and on, until the reason for the fight was forgotten... and then, given up. There has never been an end. The intial intentions were good... then the fight got better and better... and then suddenly, perspectives changed; values changed; and there was seem no reason to fight anymore. Then the realisation sets in: Why were we so obstinate before? Why was I so fixated on that before? Why is this no longer important or why has my priorities now changed?

DRIVERS have a great need for control, and a great adaptibility. So when the environment changes, the DRIVERS adapt and the controls shifts, the DRIVER gets lost and confused. What's next?

"I am now in a world where I have to hide my heart... And what I believe in.
But somehow, I will show the world what's inside my heart..
And be loved for who I am..."

Who am I? Moments of clarity are far and few between; Sleep is even less. Loved for who I am? Perhaps knowing what I wanted and wanting to get what I want is what's hindering me. I knew who I wanted and he didn't want me. When I thought I didn't want it, it just comes and my romantic idealism doesn't allow me to reject me, or gives me time to ponder if I was ready.

When I felt ready, I wasn't. When I wasn't, it came. When it came, I accepted. When I accepted, it went. When it went, I was desolate. When I was desolated, I withdrew. When I withdrew, I hated myself. When I hated myself enough, I stood back up. When I stood, I felt renewed. When I felt renewed, I felt ready. Then rejected came. So I concluded... When I felt ready, I wasn't.

A whole cycle. Where was the weakest link? Where can I break free? When?

"Who is that girl I see? Staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection someone I don't know?
Must I pretend that i'm someone else for all time?
When will my reflection show who I am inside?

There's a heart that must be free to fly...
That burns with a need to know the reason why!!!!

Why must we all conceal what we think... how we feel
Must there be a secret me I'm forced to hide?
I won't pretend that i'm someone else for all time
When will my reflections show who I am inside?"