I had a dream....

I dreamt of him...

Recently, I have been thinking too much about him... I see the caucasians walking around everywhere... Some with an asian chick in arm, and i think to myself, why couldn't we be like that? Why did he have to go??

I dreamt that we were in this spacious studio apartment. I think the apartment belongs to Aarti. Strangely, she seems to be the manager or something. There were me, aarti, carl, jinny, joanne and two other men. The story goes:

Apparently, Carl, Joanne and the two other guys are subordinates of Aarti, and they are working on some designs. Prior to meeting in the apartment, Aarti, Jinny and I went somewhere (shopping i guess or something), and we went back to her house. Later that day, Aarti was given a task to design something, and she passed the task to Joanne and Carl. So both of them started working on their designs, while the rest of us continued our discussions (no idea what of! Must be work or something related). The whole thing went late into the night so we all stayed put.

I was eyeing carl from a distance, knowing that he probably won't talk to me or anything, and I watched with jealousy that Joanne and Aarti could work so closely with him. But my main concern was Joanne... I know she won't... but in the dream I'm not in control of my thoughts.

So I woke up sometime during the night and saw that carl was still hard at work. This is one part which I admired about him... that he was so serious about his work and all. So i was there admiring, but i did not talk to him. I was afraid that he would ignore me, or worse, feel that i was disturbing him. Somewhere while watching him, I drifted off to sleep.

I was awakened by the sounds of arguments. Joanne and carl were arguing about work. To be honest, argument isn't the word. Carl was trying to encourage Joanne to be proud of her work and that this time it was brillant... Like all those times he encouraged me, now he was encouraging her. But Joanne wasn't easy to persuade, she was the stubborn one. So he became frustrated and decided to taake a shower.

After some time, joanne went into the bathroom. I remember thinking that it should be an accident but something happened in there. After a while, carl came out arguing with Joanne again. Looks like some lover's tiff but the lovers are in denial. I was devastated. Later, when i was in the bathroom, Carl walked in accidentally and he groaned at the sight of me. I'm sure it was more of a deja vu than lust. But he walked right out again with Joanne hot on his trail.

At this point, I was beyond devastated. I felt as if the whole world came crushing down. I know that he has someone else in mind now and he hates me. Somehow in my dream, it was joanne. Perhaps its my insecurities coming back to bite me in the arse. I figured Carl and Joanne were the same as my godbro and whatever-her-name-was-who-stole-him-away-from-me.

From here, I have no idea how to continue. Should I stay or flee the scene, crying? Jinny was just coming back fom a walk with another guy while I just finished dressing up and she knew what was wrong. Aarti and Jinny came and just stayed with me... and I had no idea what I should do. All i felt was just blinding pain...

And I woke up to that pain. I had no idea what happened, why did i dream of that but I guess this is what happened. This is what I feel and what I think. I know things ain't gonna change between us, yet I keep wanting him. Even in my dreams, I want him.

What's gonna happen to me now??