Where Destiny Lies...

Where Destiny lies... is where my heart is...

Its been three days...

Since that Saturday morning where I woke up at 5.30 am, hoping that my beloved is online because I know that I have not been talking to him for two days... and I hope he is waiting to chat with me as eager as i am to him.

It's been three days...

Since he finally showed me that he has a webcam, and that he finally showed me him... but i have yet to see his true face... WE had a lovely evening/morning, both wanting to cuddle, to be loved by the other... Knowing that to love and be loved is the greatest gift of all...

It's been three days...

Since I asked about being together for real... about whether we can truly be in love.. for real... whether we can really cuddle and be loved... for real... whether he can fly over to see me.. for real... I had my doubts; he his worries. Neither are truly ready nor truly meant to meet... yet. Perhaps this is our fate.. my destiny..

Three days and I feel that I've been locked out of his world... Not knowing what happened to him, not wanting to think of what might even happen... I trust that GOD keeps him safe and happy. I trust that he has loved, will love and am still going to love me. Naturally pessimistic, yet trying to be optimistic - that delicate balance between what could have been and what i want to be... Like walking on a tight rope, keep thinking i might fall yet stubbornly trying to focus on the goalwhere i wanna be.

I remember that Friday when I was hanging out with Siti after work.. Talking about having Caucasian bfs. I envied her having such a handsome, smart, capable yet sweet, thoughtful and wonderful bf. How i knew? She told me, of cos... of all the things he did to her, for her, with her... All the things he and I spoke of... Things that we wanted to do together... I missed him even more than was ever possible that very moment. I wondered, is it the thought that has me pining or is it true love? I choose to believe the latter.

If only everything was real.. If only he was here... If only... I left him a msg that I didn't want to be too attached to him... only because if I did, then the heartache will be unbearable if all these are not going to be true... Because I know that he would not need someone who is too dependent on him.. because I want to be an independent woman, a woman that is capable of loving him and myself.

I once read this somewhere... "It's not that you are invisible to me... It's because you are too close that I cannot see you peripherally; It is only when you left me... that I feel I lost a part of me..." That's why I dun wanna be too attached... because I don't want us to end.

Love is never lost... It's just not strong enough to hold two people together anymore...

Mine is still strong... What about you?